THE HAMSTER RAID OF WYEWOOD

The story long has been retold
Of Cuchulain, the bravely bold --
The greatest son of Eire's womb
Who single-handed spelled the doom
Of countless troops at Maeve's comand;
The queen who issued this command:

"Bring me back the Cooley Bull
And thus top off my coffers full
To equal his, my husband king.
The braggart is so tiring!"


And so to settle up the score
She sent her army off to war
And, though the strife Cuchulain won,
The bull was dead when it was done.


And that's where most bards silent fall,
Believing they have told it all.
But Wyewood, many secrets guards
For those who are alone her bards.


So listen here where I begin
With Maeve upon her throne again
When seven years had quickly passed
And Cuchulain had breathed his last.


She plots against her husband's wealth
And utilizing every stealth
To gain and keep the upper hand --
To be the richest in the land.


She called her druid to her side:
"I know that somewhere there must hide
A treasure safe from mortal eyes
Which could be my greatest prize
To put me up over the top --
The king's jealousy'd never stop!"


The nodding druid understood,
Withdrawing to a sacred wood
And sitting there beneath a tree
He shook a branch most rhythmically.


Upon the stick the silver bells
Rattled til his trance full swells,
Then where the druids chants had rung
The shrill cry of a hawk was sung.
He spread his wings for shaman's flight
to seek with otherworldly sight.


Long through other times he sought
But no avail his efforts brought,
Until toward home he turned to fly
and spotted something in the sky.


At first it seemed a bat in flight...
But wait! It was still broad daylight!
This was the prize that must be seized!
He knew his queen would well be pleased!


For Bubba 'twas a lovely morn.
He flew o'er fields (but not of corn,
For if they were, my name'd be mud,
For that would not be period!).


He squeaked a little hamster tune,
But it was cut short way too soon
When suddenly out of the sun
Razor talons flashed and spun.
Before he knew what struck him nigh,
Bubba was far from Wyewood's sky.


This scene did not go unobserved.
A nearby raven flew unnerved
To land upon a shoulder bare.
"I know my friend. Do not despair."
Her voice, the raven's temper soothed.
Her fingers, ruffled feathers smoothed.
"I knew their plans would come to pass,
But on my realm they now trespass,
For I count every mortals breath.
I guard the gates of life and death.
And none shall from his time be torn
To die before he has been born!"

She reassures the bird again,
And then with that, dark Morrigan
Fades away from sight once more
Just like the hamster had before.

With Bubba chained for Queen Maeve's glee
The Morrigan went to a sidhe,
And entered there the Earthen mound
Where faery folk had set the bound
Between this world and Tir Na Nog,
Where all divine dead heroes go.

She found him there, great Cuchulain
Who standing 'gainst one hundred men,
He played an ancient game of ball
And by himself he beat them all.

He snarled when he saw her there,
But she diffused his anger's flare:
"I know that once my love you spurned
And wonder why I have returned.
Let differences to rest be laid
For someone is in need of aid!
Maeve again is at her tricks
And if you were to join the mix
You'd save one from a horrid fate
And shame the queen at any rate!"

Cuchulain listened silently,
His manners softened visibly,
"Who is this one my help doth need
imprisoned by the wench's greed?"

She told him of a future land
Called Wyewood and their hamster grand
Who, great of heart and strong of wings,
Protected all from evil things.
He saw to set this rodent free
He'd help them exponentially --
All those people yet unborn
Saved to wake another morn
By this warrior hamster's grace --
Returned he must be to his place!

Then Morrigan had this to say:
"I can give you one more day
Of life on Eire's green expanse.
You are the hamster's only chance.
But once the sun has set, do know,
It's back for you to Tir Na Nog!"

The day dawned bright on Connaght's shores,
Maeve's kingdom where many sores
Were nursed with bruises black and blue --
The damage that can't help ensue
When ignorance incurs his wrath,
And Bubba's blood's a boiling bath!

The previous day had seen the fight
Which kept Maeve's men up through the night.
The din was heard in every town
With twenty men to hold him down
And then at least a dozen more
To tether Bubba to the floor.
Even then the leather straps
Just could not keep him under wraps.
He chewed them through like they were bread
And forced them to use chains instead.

Now they'd rest, or so they thought,
When from the border of Connaght
A sudden cry of challenge boomed,
A voice they had believed entombed!.

"You killed me once -- Come try again!
Send me out your best champion!
The Rodent's fate we shall decide!
From her shame, Maeve will not hide!"

Collective was the groan that shot
Around the kingdom of Connaght --
All the hamster-weary men
Had not the strength to fight again.

Generous were the rewards
That Maeve offered to all her hordes
But none were found amongst her host
Who wished to battle 'gainst a ghost.

Afraid to lose her precious prize,
Desperation filled Maeve's eyes
Until her druid voiced a plan
Restoring Maeve's stern will again.
With fire danced her eyes once more.
Not only would she not be poor
But with the hamster she'd add in
The youthful head of Cuchulain!

Waiting on the borderline
for some response, for any sign,
Impatiently Cuchulain stood.
He knew this pause could mean no good.

Still boasts and threats he hurled their way
Remembering he'd just one day
To now set right what Maeve set wrong,
Destroying, if he must, her throng
To reach and free the beast of gold --
Only he could be so bold!

The sun continued on its climb,
Hours still before its prime,
But precious every moment passed
For one who's first day was his last.

"Come out or I am coming in!
My patience wears dang'rously thin!"

A moment's silence heav'ly hung
When suddenly from nowhere sung
The harmony of mighty wings
In answer to his challengings.

"What is this? She let him go?
This is not the Maeve I know!"
But when he looked in Bubba's eyes
The moment's hope within him dies,
For well he knew the hamster's gaze
As one held in a druid's haze.

"Blast Maeve to her evil core!
I cannnot fight the one I swore
To see safe back to Morrigan.
Blast that wench and all her kin!"

When Bubba barrelled down the field,
Cuchulain, ne'er one to yield,
Was thrown a mile 'cross the ground
Where he lay without a sound.

A moment passed, but nothing more.
He stood up, but not before
His battle frenzy took its hold --
A sight that turned most men's blood cold!
One eye bulged like ripened fruit.
The other sank back to its root.
His mouth gaped wide from ear to ear,
And from his cry men died of fear.
On their ends stood every hair;
On every tip a blood drop there
Amidst the fountain, bloody red,
That sprang forth from a top his head.
And round his form was seen to blaze
A sunny halo's golden rays.
Inside his skin he spun around,
This one they call the Ulster Hound!

His head thus filled with battle lust
He cast his mighty spear, but dust
Was all it tasted in its deed
For it could not match Bubba's speed.

They fell upon each other then,
Bubba and great Cuchulain,
But niether gained the upper hand
For no one could have better planned
A match between a rival pair,
More equal in the skills they share!

Furious was the onslaught
As on and on the pair they fought
Across the kingdom far and wide
And ravaged Connaght's countryside.

Thus they fought through out the day
Without a winner either way.
They bruised and bit without respite
Until the onset of twilight.
Then the sun began to dip,
Its light the sea began to sip.
Purple reds began to blend.
Cuchulain's time was at an end.

Maeve believed that she had won,
Cheering on the setting sun,
But then the sun paused in the sky
Refusing yet to further die.

Now Cuchulain was human, true,
But only half as much as you.
His mother, mortal may have been
But she was not his only kin.
The one who'd done the fathering
Was Lugh the warrior sun-god king!

'Twas his command the sun obeyed
That on its path, its journey stayed
To give Cuchulain ample strength
To end his task what e'r the length.

Continuing their combat, grave,
Infuriated good queen Maeve.
"Druid! Cast another spell
To sound Cuchulain's last death nell,
And like that blasted Cooley cow,
I want to see him dead right now!"

The druid shook, the druid moaned.
His tongue an ancient chant intoned,
And where his fingers pointed West
Out of the waves there rose a crest.
It grew and once its growth was done
It well eclipsed the stubborn sun
Beyond the new horizon's blight
As other stars announced the night.

Lugh, the sun god, was not pleased!
Foolish was the man who teased
The gods, be he bard, druid, king --
His life is not worth any thing.

Before Cuchulain's form could fade,
Lugh a sweeping gesture made
Which caused in Bubba's golden fur
A miracle there to occur:
From every hair shown forth a ray
Which lit the earth like it was day.

So Bubba, now a tiny sun
Held the day from being done,
Then by the dawn of his own light
His mind began to be set right
And clear away the druid's haze
Which kept the hamster in its craze.

He looked around and shook his coat.
A growl escaped the hamster's throat,
For memories of all that day
And everything that came to play
Returned in full to Bubba's mind.
Justice now he'd seek to find!

Normally the plan would be
Retaliation against he
Whose acts had harmed you most of all
And see to it that he would fall.
But yon upon a river bank
He spied a woman, dark and lank,
Who washed the blood from druid clothes
And instantly the knowledge rose
Within him that fair punishment
Was well assured and permanent
Without what input he might dare
So Bubba turned his gaze elsewhere.

He saw Cuchulain far below
And knew that he was not his foe
And that he'd best alleviate
Cuchulain's battle-frenzied state.

The hamster-star became a streak,
And squeaked a blood-curdling squeak
As like a comet down from space
He fell full in Cuchulain's face.

The warrior reeled and staggered round,
Nearly falling to the ground.
What hit him, still he knew not what.
Then Bubba bit him in the butt.

The fever that could not be cooled
But by three vats of water pooled,
And sobered blush of sighting thence
Young maidens' naked innocence,
Was quelled and loosed its mighty grip
From but a single hamster nip!

Relieved that Bubba was not dead
Cuchulain pet his glowing head,
Then shot a glare the druid's way:
"For what he's done I'll make him pay!"

So far this bit of poetry
Has been aimed at the family,
So I won't delve into great detail
On spears' tendencies to impale.
Suffice to say, when it was through
Bubba's omen had proved true.

Maeve again had been disgraced.
She saw her kingdom laid to waste,
Returning to her crumbled throne
With no blame there besides her own.

Thus, justice returned to them,
Bubba's light began to dim,
But before his form could fade
Cuchulain voiced this accolade:

"King of rodents true thee are
Oh shining little hamster star
With strength to match the Ulster Hound
You and I are brothers bound
And all the realms of Tir Na Nog
Shall ring with songs of hamster-glow!"

From sight he then began to slip.
A rare half-smile on his lip.

Once his light no longer shown,
Bubba found himself alone
And watched the gath'ring of the stars
As he nursed his battle scars.

Then a voice spoke next to him
Where stood a woman, dark and grim,
Who, though her eyes were fire-light,
Was undistinguished from the night:
"Golden one with wings of black
I will guide your journey back."

Though Bubba's surprise did not show,
Where once she stood there was a crow
Who hopped along a-beckoning.
Together thus the two took wing
Through skies Bubba had never flown
Until he spied a land well known
Which stretched in welcome far below.
But when he turned to thank the crow
She was gone in to thin air
As if she never had been there.

Could this all be done so soon?
He shrugged and squeaked another tune.
Adventure'd come where e'r he'd roam,
But for the moment he was home.

THE ROMANCE OF BUBBA

Spring had bloomed and hearts were ripe
With Love's enchanted fruit
And so the air smelled sweeter to
Dear Bubba's little snoot.

All the day the birds did sing
And woodland creatures played.
Everything was peaceful here
In Nature's grand parade.

But then a sound caught Bubba's ear
Discordant with the rest
Which made his heart beat just a little
Faster in his chest.

And so to seek this trouble,
This commotion to resolve,
He quickly flew, his task to do
What e'er it may involve.

Onto the source he sped his flight,
He had not long to search.
Once there, unseen, he landed on
A nearby leafy perch.

There before him lay a fox,
As red as red could be.
Though Bubba saw no scars on him,
He whined incessantly.

"M'lady, dear Elizabeth,"
The fox cried like a whelp,
"I'm in great pain, as you can see,
And really need your help!"

"The peasant man misunderstood
To find me with his hens.
I only meant to socialize,
They are my oldest friends!"

"A sliver bit me in the tail
As I escaped the barn,
I barely left there with my life.
Please trust this is no yarn."

"And now the shard of wood digs deep;
I fear it's struck a vein.
Would you please, with your strong white teeth
Extract from me this pain?"

Then Bubba saw a nose peek from
A nearby shadowed hole,
And from the burrow lilt a voice
That chimed within his soul.

"Reynard," The voice sang sweetly,
"You conniving, crafty fox!
What makes you think I'll trust you?
Is my head made out of rocks?"

"Still," she sighed, "I see your pain.
Of that you do speak true.
I know I may regret this
But for now I shall aid you."

"But only if your nose stays far
From where your tail now lies.
And keep your teeth within your mouth.
And close those shifty eyes!"

This agreed, she ventured out
Into the morning sun.
Bubba 'bout fell off his branch -
The world around him spun.

He never thought he'd see his kind,
In Wyewood of all places.
She must have been a transplant
From the European races.

Still here she was -such lovliness
That played his fair heartstrings.
He barely saw her handicap
(She hadn't any wings).

She carefully crept to the tail
And working silently
Took the sliver twixt her teeth
And quickly yanked it free.

Reynard now had another thought
As pain began to pale.
Before the hamster loosed her grip
He flicked his mighty tail.

Elizabeth sailed through the air
Toward a toothy grin,
But what Reynard saw next began
To make his head to spin.

Another hamster did he spy
A wing-ed golden blur
Who caught the maiden in mid-air
Yet ruffled not his fur.

Once Bubba saw his love aloft
And safely out of reach,
He turned his gaze upon the fox,
A lesson for to teach.

"I only tossed her in great joy!"
Reynard began to plead,
"I wished to give a gracious kiss
To thank her for her deed!"

These pleas fell on deaf ears for then
The mighty hamster dove.
The battle which ensued shook up
The whole, entire grove.

But still Bubba was kind,
Excessive harm he could not bear.
Reynard escaped alive and with
One third of his red hair.

And when the fox was out of sight
Bubba returned to her
To find their feelings mutual.
The pair began to purr.

So here it's best to end this tale
And leave them on their own
To do what little hamsters do
When hamsters are alone.

WYEWOOD SHIRE BLUES

(to the tune of "Folsom Prison Blues")

I see the hamsters comin'
They're flyin' through the sky
Some people seem to like them
I don't know why
I'm stuck in Wyewood Shire
My time here's just begun
I keep tryin' to tell them
Hamsters just ain't much fun.

The people all have hamsters
And the hamsters all have wings
I even saw a weevil
In cavalier things
I am a silly person
I love a laugh or two
But this shire's just plain crazy
I don't know what to do.

If they'd free me from this Shire
If I lived in Calontir
I'd move away from Wyewood
And out of AnTir
And away from silly people
Whose hamsters love to fly
If I have to stay much longer
I'll hang my head and cry.

GOLDEN HAMSTER YOU'RE THE ONE

(to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")

Golden hamster you're the one –
You make Wyewood so much fun.
Golden hamster I'm awfully fond of you!
(boo-boo-boop-bee-do!)

Golden hamster on the wing
You just make me want to sing
Golden hamster I'm awfully fond of you!

Everyday when I forget to play and I worry
I find I am beholdin' a hamster golden and furry!
(My eyes get all blurry!)

Golden hamster you're the one –
You make Wyewood so much fun.

Golden hamster I'm awfully fond of...

Golden hamster I'm awfully fond of...

Golden hamster I'm awfully fond of you!